Talk Early and Often

Communicate your thoughts and expectations early. Your adult child likely has more than one household to visit this year, particularly if there is a grandchild involved. Your traditions will change a bit. It can be hard to adapt, but accept that your child has a new role as a partner / spouse / parent and be proud of that growth.

TMI—That’s “Too Much Information!”

If your adult child is bringing a friend or significant other home for the first time, take care in sharing too many personal, childhood stories. While these are sweet and enduring for you, the photos of your child as a chubby 8-year-old may be torture for them. Let them lead the conversation and respect the boundaries they have with the person they have brought home.

Respect Their Needs

When others are traveling to your home for the holidays—however far—it can be stressful, particularly if young children are involved. Take care to abide by necessary meal and treat times for kids; particular food issues, allergies or menu needs; accommodate their sleeping times and arrangements; and respect the style of parenting your children are employing—in front of the children. If you have sincere concerns, share those with your child in a supportive way, outside of the presence of others and without judgment of their spouse or partner.

Gifting

Refer to tip one: “Talk early and often!” Gift giving and receiving is such a positive experience, but the in-law layer can create a hazard. Newcomers to your family will not have the experience of your holidays of past. Help your adult child help them acclimate to your traditions. New parents are establishing boundaries and traditions of their own; ask for gift ideas or traditions they are establishing and any financial parameters they are observing for their child.

Major Conversations

Many families only come together once or twice each year. This invites the potential for “big” conversations while everyone is gathered. These range from how to deal with troubled family members to where Grandma should reside now that she can’t live at home. When adult children bring new people into the picture, these conversations can be overwhelming. Limit the “big” conversations to immediate family members who can impact a positive decision. The exception, in this economy, is when your adult child needs guidance and financial assistance from you. If they open the door, this is your opportunity to share your point of view on spending, saving, investing and insurance options.

Happy Holidays!

As hard as it is to hear, we are no longer the center of the universe for our children. Yet, they likely are for us! The holidays are their opportunity to test us as parents and set adult boundaries for their future lives. By listening and preparing, we can pave our way to a happy holiday season.

I’ve always said the holidays are a time to enjoy friends and family, not to get caught up in material things. At the same time, I’ve been ringing up credit card bills like it’s an Olympic sport. This holiday season, I’m determined to put the emphasis on meaning and memories. Here’s my plan to do as I say:

Get creative with gift-giving

The last thing my husband needs this Christmas is another necktie he’ll never wear. But if there’s anything he hates more than neckties, it’s organizing our very cluttered basement. So this year, I’m giving him the gift of time—in the form of me setting aside an afternoon for some serious basement duty (and topping it off by baking a batch of his favorite cookies). I’m sure he’ll appreciate a break from this yearly chore more than any accessory money could buy. As for my girls, I’m trying to satisfy their sweet (and beautifully misspelled) wish lists while finding gifts that also mean something special—and it’s turned out to be a bigger challenge than I thought! Whenever possible, I’m sticking to gifts that encourage family time, such as board games, craft and jewelry-making supplies, movies for us to watch together and tickets to local plays and museum exhibits.

Take time out to volunteer

I’ve always wanted my family to know the value of helping out in our community. But between swimming lessons, school fundraisers and endless birthday parties, our weekends leave little room for anything else. This time around, I set up some volunteer dates during the kids’ winter vacation. Through our local community center, we signed up to help cook a holiday meal at a local shelter. Although the girls are still pretty young, the program coordinator said there would be plenty of little things they can do. And with the help of a few friends, I organized a Saturday get-together for families in the neighborhood to make holiday cards for nearby nursing home residents. That way, we’ll get to enjoy some catching up while doing good!

Build new family traditions

While I love the hustle and bustle of holiday shopping, I’ve spent one too many holiday seasons sprinting from store to store. I’ve come to realize that spending less time searching for the perfect gifts and more time with my family is an easy way to make our holiday memories more meaningful. By shopping online and limiting my non-virtual shopping trips to an hour or two, I’ve been able to minimize my time in retail lines so far. As a bonus, between my plans for ice skating, cookie baking and turning our house into a winter wonderland, there’s no way the kids will be whining of boredom two days into winter break! While there’s no secret recipe for a happy holiday season, shifting your focus can put you on the path toward a more memorable one. Unlike years past, I’m hoping this holiday season will bring us more thoughtfulness and gratitude in the New Year.